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Asertywność jest jedną z kluczowych spraw dla utrzymania zdrowego, trwałego i dobrego związku. Relacja tworzona przez partnerów, którzy znają i zachowują postawy asertywne, jest budowana od początku na mocnych fundamentach oraz jasnych zasadach. Zachowując się asertywnie wobec partnera można tworzyć związek prawdziwie szczęśliwy, oparty na wzajemnej szczerości, poszanowaniu odrębności i indywidualności drugiej osoby, a jednocześnie wypracować wspólną, intymną przestrzeń, która jest bezpiecznym azylem dla dwojga ludzi.

Często jednak zdarza się, że już na samym początku problemy z asertywnością w związku w znaczący sposób deformuje relację między ludźmi, zaburzając równowagę pomiędzy partnerami. W ten sposób w ogromnej ilości związków w znacznym stopniu dominuje jeden z partnerów, i zamiast uzupełniać się jako para i jednocześnie dbać o samorealizację, jedna z osób zaczyna się poświęcać dla drugiej kosztem siebie, wierząc, że czyni to w imię poprawy związku lub jego utrzymania. Druga z kolei zaczyna nieświadomie lub z premedytacją wykorzystywać partnera do realizacji własnych celów.
Ten brak asertywności w relacji z partnerem w początkowej fazie związku jest błędem, który potrafi drogo kosztować. Partnerzy w związku powinni być sobie równi i wypracować wspólne zasady, które w jednakowym stopniu dotyczą obojga partnerów. Jedną z tych zasad, która jest konieczna a z którą wiele par ma problemy, jest wypracowywanie zdrowych kompromisów.
Sztuka kompromisu w związku polega na tym, że partnerzy wspólnie osiągają porozumienie w danej kwestii, które jest korzystne dla obu stron. Każde rozwiązanie, w którym jedna strona zyskuje, a druga traci, nie jest tak naprawdę kompromisem – nawet jeśli obie strony wyraziły zgodę na dane rozwiązanie. Prędzej czy później ta droga doprowadzi do pogorszenia relacji między partnerami i narastania wzajemnych pretensji. Powodem osiągania takich złudnych kompromisów jest często brak asertywności jednej z osób tworzących związek.
Przy braku asertywności u co najmniej jednego z partnerów, nie są rzadkością kompromisy złudne. Polega to na tym, że strona, która ma trudności z zachowaniem asertywnym i asertywną postawą, godzi się na rozwiązanie proponowane przez asertywnego partnera. Proponujący ma wówczas poczucie, że jego propozycja spotkała się z akceptacją i czuje się dobrze. Nie ma świadomości, że druga strona w tym czasie czuje się po raz kolejny „przegrana” i narasta w niej, nawet podświadomie, poczucie niezadowolenia ze swojego zachowania i obniża się jej pewność siebie. Kiedy tego rodzaju sytuacja staje się utartym schematem i trwa przez długi czas, zaczyna bardzo niekorzystnie wpływać na jednego z partnerów i fatalnie wpływa na ogólną kondycję związku. Drugi z partnerów natomiast często widzi, że coś w jego relacji zaczyna się dziać bardzo źle, ale nie jest świadomy źródła problemu.
Czy masz poczucie, że czytasz o sobie i swojej postawie w związku? Jeśli tak, i problem braku asertywności przy wypracowywaniu kompromisów w związku jest także Twoim problemem, postaraj się trenować postawy asertywne w rozmowach ze swoim partnerem. Kiedy druga strona proponuje coś dotyczącego was obojga, jak np. zaplanowanie weekendowego wyjazdu czy dokonanie większego zakupu, na który mielibyście przeznaczyć część waszych oszczędności, a Ty czujesz, że nie zgadzasz się z tym pomysłem – tym razem spróbuj zachować się asertywnie. Jeśli nie czujesz się na siłach od razu rozmawiać i przedstawiać swojego punktu widzenia, uzyskaj trochę czasu.
Zakomunikuj drugiej osobie, że to ciekawa propozycja i warta przemyślenia, po czym określ, kiedy się do niej ustosunkujesz, np. „zastanowię się nad tym co mówisz, pozwól że wrócimy do tematu jutro wieczorem”. Masz prawo oczekiwać uszanowania tego i cierpliwości. W tym czasie przygotuj się do rozmowy – określ swoje stanowisko możliwie krótko i precyzyjnie, sam sobie wskaż argumenty, które powodują, że uważasz tak, a nie inaczej. W ten sposób wiesz, jak się zacznie rozmowa. Miej świadomość, że w jej dalszym etapie możesz być wystawiony na trudne zadanie obrony swoich argumentów w sytuacji, gdy do głosu dojdą także emocje. Jeżeli nie uda Ci się za pierwszym razem zachować asertywnie do końca i osiągnąć postawionego celu, pamiętaj o jednym: najważniejsze, że zaczynasz w ten sposób swój trening asertywności. Najważniejszy jest nie efekt od początku, ale konsekwentne podejmowanie prób. Wtedy zaczniesz osiągać ze swoim partnerem satysfakcjonujące kompromisy, które będą nie tylko akceptowalne, ale dobre dla was obojga. W ten sposób poprawisz jakość waszego życia, ale przede wszystkim zaczniesz się czuć lepiej ze sobą i wzmocnisz pewność siebie.
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